Thursday, January 15, 2009

NEW YEAR'S MUSINGS


I feel quite like an outsider as I read the wonderful blogs that I follow. I am the minority, as it seems, in blog land. I am in the transitional phase between mommy and empty nester. I confess that I hate the term and the very soon occurrence of the same. How I yearn, as I read these blogs, for my own now grown little people. How I desire those times past when I was able to stay at home and be a homeschooling mommy, a homemaker, a wife. Meals were made with love, and the house was cleaned and organized often. There are more remorses that I have that, due to causing undo hurt on others, I may not mention here. But, they are real, and they are very hurtful. They lend to the sadness I carry.

I very much dislike this passageway I find myself in and for the moment at least feel as though it leads only to much loneliness. After this comes old age and aloneness. An empty house is not ok with me. I want my children around. I want my family. I want activity and love. I very much do not want the empty shell that is soon to arrive. Never did I look forward to the day when my children would all be gone. Sure, I dreamed of not being so tied down and did indeed look forward to the days of “freedom”. I do enjoy certain aspects that come with not being a steward of little people. I do enjoy not having all of the tie downs that kids’ activities bring, that teenagers engage in, and others. But, all in all, I am very saddened by it all. By May 1st, my daughter and friend will have moved out. They are adults and need to move on with their lives, but couldn’t it be different? Couldn’t they just stay? Couldn’t we be as those souls in other countries who live together as family…forever…taking care of one another? My boy, too, will leave this Spring. He’ll be gone for two years and then back for a little season. He then will be on with his own life.

There is just something so final about it all. For all of these years, I was someone’s mommy, someone’s caregiver. Now, it will be just my husband and me. He, of course, is quite looking forward to the day. I am quite dreading it. Did I sign up for this when I married and started my family? I suppose I did, but I was so very involved in having those precious babies and caring for their every need that this day was eons away.

As I read these blogs that talk of having new little ones, homeschooling, and mothering, I am touched with a bitter finger on my heart. I do not desire to be here. I do not desire to be at the threshold of old age. While that is yet quite a ways down the road, it too will be here in the blinking of an eye, and I do not want to be the old woman who is but swept to the corner of life, only now to observe what she used to partake of—that of the motherhood she so enjoyed. Yet…I AM here, and I must make the very best of it. I must forge ahead into that cloudy abyss that I wish to shrink from. It is a time of transition, a time to allow this struggle to strengthen me. And so I shall.

9 comments:

Jan and Tom's Rose Haven said...

It saddens me to hear the pain and emptiness you're feeling. When you started raising your family, I'm sure you taught your children many valuable life-lessons, preparing them for being in the world by themselves. You taught them, too, I'm sure...about love. Love between parents, between parents and their children and love of life.

Instead of looking at this time in your life as something you don't want - or that you dread - try looking at it as the "bird leaving the nest" after mom and dad have sufficiently provided and taught them everything they need to know to survive. Unlike the bird family, your family can continue to see one another and foster an adult relationship. And...you and your husband can enjoy and look forward to your life together.

Tom and I have only been married 3 1/2 years. We met on-line. Tom's 1st wife, after 40+ years of marriage and 7 children (all adults ages 30-45 now), died of cancer a year and a half before we met. My marriage ended in divorce after 2 children, 25 years before we married. I will be 60 this year and Tom will be 66. We enjoy our life together, finding NEW activities and joys...every day.

My 2 sons and sister live in Wisconsin, while Tom and I live in Michigan. One of Tom's sons died in a car accident on his 18th birthday over 25 years ago. Two of his other children (adopted) haven't seen or talked to Tom (or his first wife) in over 15 years. Since Tom and I married, little by little the remaining 4 children (all adults 30-45 years of age) have stopped talking to or seeing Tom and I. There are 12 grand-children involved there, too.

We have many things that could make us angry about all this hurt...but God has gotten us through it all. He will get you through it all, too.

I am adding you to our prayer list on our blog.

Zebu said...

Oh my goodness Jan, consider me humbled. Our Father in Heaven has ways to put our "afflictions" in the light, and you have certainly been the guiding hand here in doing that.

I am very sorry, indeed, of your trials. It is unthinkable sometimes that so much can happen to one or two people. What wonderful attitudes you have, and I see that you have been richly blessed by each other.

Thank you, dear sister, for your comments, thoughts, and prayers.

Sommer said...

Hi Zebu~

I stopped by initially to comment on your comment at my blog about our times and the difficulty of having "steadfastness of heart" in these times. I agree, it is hard, but we know that the Lord will work all for His glory and even in dark times there is light! Thank you for stopping by Rebekah's site...I know she appreciates the support in whatever form it comes.

Of course, having stopped by, I read your most recent post and like Jan my heart aches for you. I know that some day my children will leave the nest too and start homes of their own. I don't look forward to the day...and yet I do too. To see where God will lead my little ones once they are grown:-) I was thinking though, you have a new role you could take if you feel lead:-) You have been where so many of us are headed...perhaps both good and bad times. I know that as a young mother/wife I wish I had more Titus 2 mentors to talk to. You have an opportunity to share what God has shown you and mentor women in blogland as well as your own community. Just something to consider as you ponder your future.

May the Lord fill you with peace!

Lots of love,
Sommer

Zebu said...

Oh Sommer,

Thank you for your precious thoughts and concerns. It is wonderful to have this blog land. I indeed feel that it is a place to make friends that we may not be able to make in our own lives and also to share in each others joys and sorrows.

Though I never like to offer unsolicited advice, I would be happy to help anyone along the way of motherhood, if I am able, as you have suggested. Thank you for this thought. :)

Blessings to you.

Rose Haven said...

Thanks for putting the TeaCup Thursday Give-Away "button" up!!

How are you doing? Any better? We're still praying for you!

~Blessings,
Jan

Zebu said...

I'm not sure why this post is all underlined...just noticed that.

Rose, I have my teary moments, as I'm sure is natural. But, I must remember that there is a time and a season for everything. If only that season wouldn't have gone so fast! :)

I so appreciate your prayers. I went through your site tonight and prayed for the people on your prayer list and for you and your honey also. What a wonderful thing that prayer role is!

lissawi said...

I appreciate your honesty. The transitional times of life can sometimes be the hardest. I just can't wait to see what God has for you in this new phase of life! I do understand the difficulty of change though, I don't like it either!

lissawi said...

Did you see this? I thought it might be encouraging!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/20/health/20well.html?em

Zebu said...

Lissawi,

Thank you; I'm looking forward to reading the article! :)